Hate Your Rommate?

So, I think it's a phenomenally universal experience to hate your roommate. Even if you both are best friends before becoming roommates, you will hate each other before the lease is up. It's a problem of intimacy I believe: Intimate enough to share each others' messes, but not intimate enough to share each others' bodily fluids. The line in the sand is clearly vague, as illustrated with my previous statement.
My advice? Get rid of them. I compiled the following list of fantasies while living with the worst roomie I've ever had the displeasure of being in the presence of. IE: He was a complete sex addict. He once told me, in an inviting manner that his "group" needed an 18th guy for their gang bang.
I've seen lists like this before online, so if you're not rock 'n roll enough for my suggestions, or perhaps you're TOO rock 'n roll, do a search on google for more ways to get rid of your pesky roommate.
Here's mine:
When they first move in, talk in an a very bad accent and buy bouquets of flowers. Eat the bouquets in front of him while the two of you watch TV, and act like it’s nothing unusual. When they finally say something about it, act offended and accuse him of being an ignorant American, occasionally breaking out of character with the accent.

When he asks what time it is, insists that it is some impossible time, such as nine hundred and thirty eight o’clock.

Insist on keeping a strobe light on and facing out the window every night, because it keeps the visitors at bay.

Pretend you are napping during the afternoon. Under the covers, masturbate grossly while muttering strange mystical things. If he asks about it, tell him that you have reoccurring nightmares that he is molesting you, then stare him down and refuse to say anything more.

Every morning, when he leaves, pull his covers off of his bed and neatly arrange them (as if to make a bed) under the bed.

Make a camp on the patio (balcony, etc), complete with a tent, a hibachi, a mini fire pit, and a gas lamp, and always reek of insect repellant. Never use the camp or any of the items. When your roommate complains, tell him that it reminds you of home, and invite him to go on camping trip with you next weekend. When you walk to the liquor store, invite him to go on hikes. If you’re driving anywhere, invite him to go canoeing. When he finally can’t take it anymore, organize a stargazing party to take place on the patio. Tell people “byot (bring your own telescope)”.

Refuse to vacuum. When your roommate does, act like a terrified house pet, slouching and cowering away from it, but never leave the room, just keep running away from the approaching vacuum. When he finally finishes, run outside and stare at him through a window with a victimized expression.

Whenever addressing him, frustratedly refer to him as a list of random names, always using new ones, when he asks why you can’t get his name right, tell him you’re sorry, but he’s just another nameless face on the list you’ve lived with, then tell him never mind and casually leave the room.

Cry yourself to sleep, whimpering a lost pet’s name every Friday and Saturday night when they get home from partying. When they ask what’s wrong, tell them that you miss your rabbit that you had when you were in first and second grade. Tell him that no one has lived up to the rabbits friendship. Then sob about missing home…

If you and your roommate carpool to school: keep a surplus of stuffed animals in your room, piled high on your bed (especially if you’re a guy). Every morning, before your both head down to your car, insist that he picks the lucky animal of the day, give it a name, and carries it down to the car, holding it like a child sitting on his shoulders. Make him make up new names every day, even if it’s the same animal.

Cuddle with your imaginary spouse every night, talk aloud to him/her. When roommate inquires, use the excuse of being a true romantic, and just trying to make him/her as happy as possible.

Every morning, when the two of you are getting ready, frustratedly request that he let the bathroom get messy, with equally odd excuses, i.e.: “could you, for fucks’ sake, please, let your hair sit in the sink. I mean, when my mom comes over, I want her to actually believe that I have a roommate, and that you’re not just another figment of my imagination. Damn, leave some evidence.”

Insist that he is a figment of your imagination, therefore, talk and treat him like one.

Every time you come back from visiting home, tell him that you bought him another cherub boy trinket, and that one day, you’ll be coming back with a box of them for him. Pinch his cheek.

Unplug everything electrical inside of the apartment, every morning, ritualistically. Gradually get more eccentric about it. Sing hymns while you do it, and work off of checklists. Ask your roommate to help with the responsibility. When (if) he finally asks why you do this, tell him that your grandmother’s spirit is trapped in the walls of the apartment, and that she was always cold, so she needs all the electricity she can get for her ghost electric blanket.

Every few weeks, wake your roommate up in the middle of the night by turning on the light and slowly moving toward him with an irate face, starring at his forehead. Slowly bring a swatting hand up. When he starts freaking out, put on a suspicious face and move back, just as slowly, whispering “one day I’ll get that granddaddy mosquito.”

Carry a tape recorder every where you go. Record everyday sounds such as stapling papers, opening and closing a locker, shutting a door, starting a car, etc. every night, play back all of the sounds for your roommate and insist that he listen with his ear very close to the speaker. Get equally close to the speaker. Staring at him so closely, listening to the sounds your recorded, cry euphorically. When he doesn’t act amazed, accuse him of being an ingrate and a dehumanized zombie of conformity.

Every morning, after your roommate leaves, construct a crime scene on his bed, take Polaroid’s of it, and add the picture to a billboard on the door, then clean his bed and make it look as if nothing happened. Never mention it, and if he asks, never acknowledge it.

One day while your roommate is watching TV, walk in very quietly and swiftly. Put on latex gloves, and don’t acknowledge him. Crouch down n front of the TV, and put a wire tap microphone on the speaker. When he asks what you’re doing, act as if you heard a noise, but don’t acknowledge him. As soon as you finish, quickly and swiftly move outside and appear just outside the window. Put on a head set and watch the TV through b binoculars.

Every time your roommate comes home, be sitting very close to the TV , watching a porn, imitating what ever the woman is doing like you’re working out to an aerobics video.

Carve scary jack-o-lanterns out of his cereal boxes. Always make the same face. Never let one go by uncarved.

Every time your roommate walks in, angrily stop what you’re doing and go take a shower… EVERY TIME…

Tune the radio or TV to static, turn the volume very low, and examine the sound for about an hour with a stethoscope.

Make a finger-painting of you and your roommate holding hands. Photocopy it 70 times. Every Sunday, wrap it up like a gift and make him open it in a celebratory fashion.

Follow your roommate around all day with disinfectant. Fill in the blanks….

Talk retarded. Tell your roommate that you recently learned what sound sounds like.

I could go on and on. God, I hated that guy.