Desperately Single But Don't Have Room (literally) To Change?

Lately it feels like I’m always the Ape-Me. I behave strangely around women. It's been a while! OK?! I’m waiting in the check out line. There’s a pretty girl there. It could go two ways. Either, (a) I check her out, and probably a little bit aggressively, extra pathetically, and feel ashamed and guilty for perpetuating a bad male stereotype. When I go about it this way, I find that the woman at the receiving end of my attentions shut down completely. They look back not, nor do anything to encourage my gaze to continue. I get the picture. I’m sorry. Back to staring at my feet or the lines on the tile or the finger prints on the glass displays. Or, I do the other (b) method, which is pretty much what the girls give me. And thus begins the first raw irony in the day: I don’t look at her. I ignore the shit out of her. As coldly and concretely as I can. I don’t know why. Stop Asking me! Ok, I guess it might have something to do with the fact that they (women) don’t need anymore guys ogling them, no more than they get regularly, and certainly not from a cognitively present fellow like myself, one who has the ability to, most of the time, control his behavior and ignore his urges. Then, there’s the fact that I think most women are vain (Here comes a regret, I can feel it). If they are remotely attractive, in their mind, all men want is to have sex with them over and over and over again and stare at them endlessly, longingly, and think of nothing else but them. They, however, are wrong. Having sex with them only once will usually suffice. So, method B consists of a mixture of those two problems. The irony comes that those girls ALWAYS look at me. They see a guy who doesn’t appear to be gay, who hasn’t a woman on his arm, who is NOT staring at her! What’s this all about! This is when the vanity comes into play. Their self esteem is such that a man who should be attracted to them which isn’t showing any sign of being so, is crushing to their ego. A lot of guys are like that. Hell, I'm like that some times. What a mess.
Then, there’s the one’s who’s attention I crave. When my own vanity notches up and gains momentum. Those girls that I find attractive who don’t pay a damn bit of attention to me but I feel like they should, because, hey, I’m a decent looking guy!
So, I’m sitting here at the café. A cute redhead girl sits to my right, on the far wall, sipping her whatever and reading her whoknows. A cute, short haired, au natural barista who served me my coffee and biscotti now sits at the computer desk facing me. I’m located at the intersection of their focal points, and this must be why I’m starting to fidget. My subconscious is a little frisky. I find my left hand plugging the headphones jack in and out of the headphones plug on my computer. Enough innuendos for one afternoon. That ones just for the barista. Then, the redhead. Hmm. Don’t think I’m giving her a show of any kind. Thank god. On the Gray Scale of Human Status I find myself in the shade of Pathetic. She’s packing up and leaving. Good, I try to convince myself. I’ll go take her seat. Better spot.
The real funny thing is that I could care less about getting their attentions. I’m not all that interested in them. Im not on the prowl for any dates by any means, not now. I live on the couch at my brother’s family’s house right now. No place to date. I’m not surprised to find myself ashamed of most of these things, but I try to just laugh it off. It’s ridiculous. Besides, the same thing used to happen on days that my Fiancé (when we were still together) would get up before me and go to work and I had the day off.
The trouble is that I hate being single. Who doesn't? There's only so many things you can enjoy alone, projects you can half finish, and sandwich combinations you can make. Pretty soon the monotony of unogamy (my own word, pronounced you-nog-uh-me) manifests itself into desperation, or the invention of a very tasty but embarrassing culinary invention. My biggest piece of advice, after having spent so much time not enjoying the company of an intimate companion, is to obtain a companion for intimate purposes with similar intimate interests, but this is only a theory at this point. I'm eagerly awaiting the opportunity to test it in a trial setting, as opposed to the clinical/laboratory/experimental/hypothetical setting. Check back with me on that, later.